It’s the middle of January and we’ve all but recovered from the holiday lull.
So, how about those new year’s resolutions? If you’re still on track, you’re doing better than most.
According to Strava, a social network for athletes, January 12 is when the majority of people start to fall off the wagon. Dubbed ‘Quitter’s Day’, there appeared to be a sharp decline in motivation by the second Saturday of January.
You can probably relate. If you’ve ever set out to make a big change in the new year, you’re familiar with the drill: Set our clocks. Mark our calendars. Purge the junk food.
But before long, we find ourselves chowing down, sleeping in, overspending, and generally conceding to whatever temptation it is that we sought to overcome.
And it’s not even the third week of January? Bummer.
New year’s resolutions are launched with great intentions but rarely followed through. A Forbes article reports that only 8% of people reach their New year’s goals.
What could be causing this alarming rate of failure? Well, many factors influence our ability to stick to a plan. Some are external like getting sick or unforeseen circumstances. Others are internal such as forgetfulness or poor planning.
For me, it usually traces back to one thing: perfectionism. I tend to take an all or nothing approach to things so when I get derailed, I’d rather just give up.
For example, I found myself avoiding my blog. At some point, I fell out of posting consistently so I started avoiding it. Then I got really comfortable with the laid-back vibe of the holidays. I finally look up and it’s the middle of January. Three weeks since I last published. Whoops.
I stopped to ponder what was keeping me from writing. Hmm. Work’s been somewhat busy. I was in single parent mode for a week. I’ve also been pretty engrossed in my startup dabblings.
There are plenty of excuses but undoubtedly, the reason I put off blogging was, again, perfectionism.
As it turns out, I’m not the only one. Perfectionism has been on the rise.
A recent study from the UK found that perfectionism has increased 33% in the past three decades. Socially-prescribed perfectionism, that is. The other two kinds of perfectionism, self-oriented and other-oriented, each went up 10% and 16%, respectively.
As defined by this research paper, socially-prescribed perfectionism is “the tendency for an individual to believe that others expect perfection from him or her.”
In a nutshell, we’re expecting that others expect more of us. So we strive. We try to keep it up. We burn out. We feel ashamed.
I’ve experienced this cycle countless times. Perhaps you have too. Perfectionism is a vicious spell that threatens our confidence and makes us timid. After being repeatedly burned by failure, we stop making resolutions. We stop trying. Worst yet, we stop growing.
Perfectionism is also wasteful. Think of all the money we spend to look good. All the time we waste on do-overs and reboots. All the ways we could have been more judicious with spending but since we can’t follow a budget perfectly, we don’t even try.
A quick story. I remember playing with a V-Tech ‘computer’ when I was about five. It was an educational toy resembling a laptop that was loaded with math and spelling games. Every time I started to lose a round, I’d turn the computer off. Then I rebooted and started afresh. I never let myself lose.
Unfortunately, we still do this as adults. Fresh starts can be good but when we’re always trying to outsmart failure, we end up losing in the long run. Perhaps it’s better to taste defeat, if only to learn what not to do next time.
As many of us know from experience, perfectionism is unsustainable. You can feign it for 12 days, a month, or even a few years.
But eventually the burden of flawlessness becomes too great. At some point, it’s time to exhale. In doing so, hopefully we can give others permission to do the same.
What’s the antidote to perfectionism? According to a study published last year, it’s self-compassion.
“Adolescents and adults alike are frequently exposed to pressures to perform at excessively high standards,” wrote the researchers. “Such pressures can encourage people to move between extremes of either maladaptive perfectionism or disengagement and ‘giving up’.
Self-compassion, through self-kindness, connection and mindfulness, may allow individuals to strive for mastery and goal accomplishment, whilst also holding these goals lightly and demonstrating resilience when adversity arises.”
By contrast, self-criticism, isolation, and dwelling on our mistakes is counterproductive and leads to negative outcomes like depression, procrastination, and burn out. Other research in this realm also link dichotomous (all or nothing) thinking to negative effects of perfectionism.
In light of all this, I decided not to craft any lofty goals for 2019. I’m not setting out to #win. My resolve is to try my best and be ok with imperfection, even if I do so imperfectly.
I may lapse as I did these past few weeks, crawling under the covers to avoid my flaws. But in those sheepish moments, I hope I’ll remember to appreciate the beauty in warted efforts, momentary zeal, honest foibles, and big, glorious mistakes.
